The ThursDater: Profile Pic 101

Ah, Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg’s thieved brainchild. The portal to your entire friend database, as well as a sad collection of people from high school you’ve totally forgotten about, and older relatives who write their names after everything they post. It’s turned you into the ultimate oversharer, and forced you to use “like” as a noun.ZuckerbergBut one part of Facebook has always reigned supreme: the pics! Once upon a time, we only had one profile picture to define us among a sea of other co-eds. This was your characteristic shot. It could invite anything from simple wall post flattery, to a weird poke from a stranger. And if you were lucky, sometimes even a private message from your crush, with a request for a future hangout (something really romantic, like “we should chill sometime.”)

rick-james-bitch-o

 Even in the current age of timeline cover photos and Instagram madness, the main profile picture still counts. It’s the photo you have personally chosen to represent yourself, and basically carries your entire essence in one sweet snap. NBD.

But even more importantly, it happens to be the picture that your potential matches will see first when they are rating you on Hinge! So, because we want you matched with the best of the best in friends of friends, we compiled a list of must-avoid profile pictures. Image

Amateur modeling shots. Surely the scout from JCPenney poring over random Facebook pictures will be impressed. Friends of friends, on the other hand, think you’re trying too hard. And are you… possibly in someone’s guest bedroom? Yikes.

The fake gangster pose. Real thugs don’t pose for pictures with upside-down peace signs and a pouty face. They’re busy ghostin’ muthaf*ckas. You might be next on their list, actually. And you certainly won’t be on anyone’s Favorites list.

Being completely wasted. We get it. You were #1 chugging champion in college. Congrats. But it’s doubtful your potential matches are searching for a special someone who will black out and climb on top of the bar pouring Bud heavy all over their shirt, screaming “I’m the King of Beers!” on the first date. But hey, never say never?

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The mirror pic. Do you not have any other pictures of yourself? Do you not have any friends who could take one of you? Why do you want everyone to associate you with toilets? The questions are endless, and it’s likely the people rating you don’t want answers to any of them.

Full bridal parties. So, uh, there sure are a lot of people in this picture… is that you, in the strapless bridesmaid dress? Or are you in the bridal gown? Or perhaps the catering uniform, holding a platter of mini crab cakes? It’s pretty hard to tell. But then again, crab cakes are deeply loved in this region, so maybe you’ll get a few high ratings based purely on the featured hors d’oeuvres.

Sloth

The selfie in the driver seat of a car. What exactly are you trying to convey here? Besides that you’re bored, conceited and a tremendously irresponsible driver. Someone is definitely honking at you at a red light/ramming into your car as we write this. Forget asking mutual friends for this one– your auto insurance rates alone are presumably terrifying, and no one wants you bringing that evil on them.

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Children that aren’t yours. While YOU know you’re the most awesomely cool aunt/uncle in all the land, your friends’ friends don’t know you yet, and probably just assume you have a whole litter of children already. #baggage

Your outrageous gun collection. We know that anyone with the need to aggressively showcase such a robust artillery must be the poster child for emotional stability, right? And how exactly do you know Jamie…? Actually, we’re gonna stop talking. You can probably see the fear in our eyes from wherever you’re hobby sniping.

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So, there’s your photo education, Hingers. You’re welcome for the tips. Now try and choose a weapon-free, somewhat recent picture of yourself where we can actually see your face, and go get those Hinge matches! Your inbox should be filling up with potential dates in no time.

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