|It’s officially spring, but this relentless winter weather keeps coming back and sneak-attack blasting you like Groupon emails. If you’re like us, you’re totally over it. You’ve been hibernating like a majestic Kodiak bear, just waiting to emerge from your unshaven seasonal slump to discover the exciting new crop of super cute salmon leaping in swarms from the mighty rivers.
But in just a matter of weeks, finer weather will emerge, and along with it, an infectious desire to seek courtship with all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in town. You may not be prepared, but know this: a potent epidemic of Spring Fever is well on its way.
Early-stage symptoms of Spring Fever may sometimes go unnoticed. Are Kay Jewelers’ commercials for trailer park diamonds suddenly giving you butterflies? Find yourself flirting so desperately with the waitress at dinner she starts sending a coworker to refill your water glass? Been reminiscing all your exes, and pining for even the most royally F-tastic train wrecks of relationships past? Sure, they may have cheated on you with your roommate and destroyed your living situation. Or charged thousands of dollars to your credit card on Brazzers and called your mom a bitch one time, but they smelled pretty good and were excellent snugglers. And you miss that.
You can think of us as your new “love wealth” advisors; this is the perfect opportunity to start investing. And we’ve got street cred when it comes to this kind of thing. Did you check out our peek into the hottest workforces in DC? We know what we’re doing. Roll with us and you’ll become the Warren Buffett of dating, growing your romance capital like a boss– not flashing it around like some hobo who discovers a bag of money, and immediately spends it all on a chocolate mansion and a solid gold toilet seat.
First things first: leave all your past where it is and start fresh. This is the season of new beginnings, and you have a batch of new potentials at your fingertips every single day at noon! No more running back to exes or old hookups. You’re preparing a gourmet meal here– a sophisticated spread of better dates. It requires strategic preparation and good taste, so stop grazing on tired leftovers.
Now don’t forget your friends! Invite them to Hinge. The more friends you invite, the more potential dates you get, and you’re also helping your best single peeps cure their own Spring Fever. It’s win/win, they’re gonna love you for it, and you can consider yourself a philanthropist for the perpetually lonely. Bravo to your kind heart, social awareness, and enduring sense of community contribution.
In closing, we’d like to remind you that you’re the bomb. Although this tail end of winter feels bleak, it’s about to get warm outside, you’re about to start having way more awesome friend-of-friend dates than you ever thought possible, and people are about to start regularly day-drinking on patios. Really, is there anything more delightful in life?
So now, go forth. Let the fire inside your invigorated heart melt away those lingering chills, and start Spring like the fun, fierce party it should be. Get it.