The ThursDater: Make out for ‘Merica

Happy Fourth of July! Since we’ll be out celebrating America’s birthday tomorrow, we thought we’d send out the ThursDater a day early this week. Plus, you’ll need this ThursDater to study up for tomorrow– it’s a guide for all your potential makeout opportunities on July 4th.

The Fourth of July is our favorite holiday. Sure, it’s kind of about our forefathers establishing the freedom-mongering country we all enjoy, but momentarily, let’s put aside life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There’s another important trio that’s really madeJuly 4th into what it is today: getting a day off work, partying like your brain is on vacation, and blowing shit up.

Add a little hot, steamy July weather to that slew of terrific things, and you’ve got perfect conditions to indulge in a night of summer debauchery that would make your college-self proud. And nothing screams/slurs college-self like an impromptu makeout; preferably in public.

In case you’re out of practice, we’ve brainstormed some opportunities you may encounter that are absolutely primo for July 4th makeouts, even if you might not think so at first glance. So heed our very professional guidance, should you find yourself in any of these circumstances with someone you want to kiss.

At your parents’ beach house. Sure, your childhood seashell collection has been scattered all over the floor, thanks to a “wizard’s staff” made of taped-together Coors Light cans. But, that’s an expected casualty when your parents give you the place for the weekend. Deal with cleanup tomorrow morning. This is the perfect opportunity to escape your belligerent friends for a hot second, and offer your crush a private, personally escorted tour of “Ocean Fantasea.” The key opener for a makeout here is to say something architecturally relevant AND romantic, like, “We just added a storm-resistant formal balcony in 2006… but mostly because I really like have time alone with the sea…” and dreamily stare out at the horizon. Then, switch on some sudden, penetrating eye contact– all systems go. Engage makeout.

While comparing patriotic ensembles. Walk into the party. A sea of girls in white sundresses and guys in red polos. You: a cowboy hat made of PBR boxes, and a NASCAR t-shirt that says “Loud ‘N Proud” with a screaming eagle swooping across it. You’re suddenly unsure of your outfit, but then you see them: acid-wash jorts and a huge American flag worn as a cape, holding a mass of blue cotton candy they’re eating nonchalantly (straight to the face). Go to them, my child. Kiss and enjoy Budweiser beer.

The eating contest at a BBQ/Picnic. Did you know watermelon is an aphrodisiac? Well that’s ‘cause it isn’t… unless you’ve just challenged your crush to a melon scarf-down and they totally destroyed you, leaving both of you with the feisty high that only competitive binge eating can bring on. When the two of you go to clean up, gently brush away the pink chunks still lingering in their hair, congratulate them on their win, and make those come-hither eyes you’ve been practicing in your mirror before bed every night. The smooching conditions are perfect, now just try to ignore the part where you recently consumed your weight in fruit and might throw up.

After your sparkler performance. You thought that an impromptu Michael-Flatley-meets-fire performance would impress. And for good reason– who could resist you whipping that fire-stick around like a rhythmic gymnast going for the gold? Sure, at some point during this Jim Beam-induced sparkler showcase, you totally lost control, and badly scorched the mate of your dreams on the shoulder. But fortunately, here on earth there’s a liiiittle bit of love magic known as the Florence Nightingale Effect. As you affectionately apply Neosporin and a crazily unnecessary number of band-aids to their charred skin, the romance will be undeniable. You mended their hurt: guaranteed canoodling. Just try and avoid the lesion.

While watching fireworks. One weekend back in May, you and your friend found a roadside stand in North Carolina whose only products were fireworks, and some sort of alcohol/helicopter fuel that was packaged in an old coffee can and sealed with duct tape. But a 2-for-1 special on fireworks is not to be ignored, so naturally you both started stockpiling like your lives depended on it. Fast-forward to this year’s July 4th party, in the backyard of said friend’s apartment complex… watching them dangle a lit match over the entire haul. As soon as you spot the glimmer of fear in your special someone’s eye, gently seize their hand and ask if they’d like to go somewhere “a little quieter, away from the noise.” Then go there. Quickly. Feelings of relief and physical safety will quickly escalate into other feelings, and then… make out.

We know these kind of “fairy-tale” romantic situations are rare, so don’t beat yourself up if they don’t happen exactly like this. In fact, a much better (and generally safer) solution is to ask one of your Hinge matches to meet up for some patriotic festivities. Maybe hit a nice rooftop somewhere, eat firecracker popsicles and be merry. While not as exciting as a fruit binge or fire-dancer routine, a kiss is still probably in the cards. After all, this is America.

And, we can’t forget to mention– in order to help you out even more, we’ve just released a brand new feature that will help you get plans with your matches in motion faster! Hinge now lets you message your matches right from the app, making communication a much smoother and easier process. So make sure you download the update and go message those matches. Makeouts are waiting!

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