PRESS RELEASE: Startup Merger Shocks #DCTech Community

The Hinge team is thrilled to announce the start of a very special relationship. Here’s to new beginnings!

Sexy-Tables

Washington, DC – April 1, 2013 – Event seating is about to get sexy. Earlier today, representatives for local startups Hinge and Social Tables announced a surprising company merger. Although not finalized, it is reported that the new company will be called “Sexy Tables” and will officially launch by mid-June of this year.

Dan Berger, current CEO of Social Tables, has always been excessively forthcoming about how the idea for Social Tables came to him while trying to get tail at a wedding. Recently, at a hastily organized press conference outside one of DC’s most favored date spots, Rumors, Berger was heard shouting, “Imagine the possibilities! I can now help event professionals organize, and get laid in the process!”

The new product will reportedly combine Hinge’s unique style of friend-of-friend dating with event seating software, to strategically seat compatible, single guests next to each other. “Sexy Tables is going to help sexy people get laid at any event,” summarized Berger. “It’s that simple.”

The future CEO of Sexy Tables will be determined via a one-on-one musical chair competition between current Social Tables and Hinge CEOs, Dan Berger and Justin McLeod. “We considered an arm wrestling match,” said McLeod, “but agreed something involving seating seemed more apropo.”

Sexy Tables has secured 100k in seed funding from The Barry White foundation, as well as 50k from Purple Rain Ventures and private investor, Charlie Sheen. The projected new product plans and brand designs have been released and are featured below, but for full details on the planned merger, please contact press representatives for both companies.

Media Contact:

Patty O’Furniture
pattyofurniture@socialtables.com

Nick Oftime
nickoftime@hinge.co

ThursDater: The cure for Spring Fever

It’s officially spring, but this relentless winter weather keeps coming back and sneak-attack blasting you like Groupon emails. If you’re like us, you’re totally over it. You’ve been hibernating like a majestic Kodiak bear, just waiting to emerge from your unshaven seasonal slump to discover the exciting new crop of super cute salmon leaping in swarms from the mighty rivers.

But in just a matter of weeks, finer weather will emerge, and along with it, an infectious desire to seek courtship with all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in town. You may not be prepared, but know this: a potent epidemic of Spring Fever is well on its way.

tumblr_meh56v3srz1rxis0kEarly-stage symptoms of Spring Fever may sometimes go unnoticed. Are Kay Jewelers’ commercials for trailer park diamonds suddenly giving you butterflies? Find yourself flirting so desperately with the waitress at dinner she starts sending a coworker to refill your water glass? Been reminiscing all your exes, and pining for even the most royally F-tastic train wrecks of relationships past? Sure, they may have cheated on you with your roommate and destroyed your living situation. Or charged thousands of dollars to your credit card on Brazzers and called your mom a bitch one time, but they smelled pretty good and were excellent snugglers. And you miss that.


Listen, we understand your raging, warm-weather lusting, but get it together. You may feel like a hormonal teenage lunatic, but we’ll leave the high school-esque dealings to Tinder. Do you really want to re-live the most awkward, confusing days of your life? You’re a full-grown adult and need to harness your “liveliness” into something more proactive, so settle yourself down with a nice dose of Hinge.

You can think of us as your new “love wealth” advisors; this is the perfect opportunity to start investing. And we’ve got street cred when it comes to this kind of thing. Did you check out our peek into the hottest workforces in DC? We know what we’re doing. Roll with us and you’ll become the Warren Buffett of dating, growing your romance capital like a boss– not flashing it around like some hobo who discovers a bag of money, and immediately spends it all on a chocolate mansion and a solid gold toilet seat.

First things first: leave all your past where it is and start fresh. This is the season of new beginnings, and you have a batch of new potentials at your fingertips every single day at noon! No more running back to exes or old hookups. You’re preparing a gourmet meal here– a sophisticated spread of better dates. It requires strategic preparation and good taste, so stop grazing on tired leftovers.

Now don’t forget your friends! Invite them to Hinge. The more friends you invite, the more potential dates you get, and you’re also helping your best single peeps cure their own Spring Fever. It’s win/win, they’re gonna love you for it, and you can consider yourself a philanthropist for the perpetually lonely. Bravo to your kind heart, social awareness, and enduring sense of community contribution.

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In closing, we’d like to remind you that you’re the bomb. Although this tail end of winter feels bleak, it’s about to get warm outside, you’re about to start having way more awesome friend-of-friend dates than you ever thought possible, and people are about to start regularly day-drinking on patios. Really, is there anything more delightful in life?

So now, go forth. Let the fire inside your invigorated heart melt away those lingering chills, and start Spring like the fun, fierce party it should be. Get it.

Hingesights: Hottest Workforces in DC

Why does everyone in DC always ask where you work when they meet you? Depending on your place of business, there’s a good chance it’s to scope out dates with your coworkers. Hinge users have accumulated more than one million ratings, so we had our nerds sift through all the data to see which local workplaces had the most attractive employees by average Hinge rating. Check out our breakdown below.

Did your company make the cut? Share with your work friends. Brag to your other friends. Make out on your coffee break.

According to our extensive research, it seems DC exhibits generally high levels of office crushes on consultants and Hill employees, but the most potent levels appear around fitness gurus:

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Surprisingly, Washington men who work with/around large shares of money seem to be considered most attractive…

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And although women who work in medicine and education seem to be highly sought-after, they can’t compete with the matrimonially-crazed; DC’s wedding mafia takes first place:

By Gender Female

So the Senate is hotter than the House, and Vida Fitness seems to exclusively hire supermodels to train their members. But why are Senate women ranked 4th, and Senate men didn’t even get honorable mention? Why are other gyms’ employees so incomparable to Vida, the bastion of super-hotties… did they import the Brazilian beach volleyball team? The world may never know. Do you have any insights, rumors, conspiracy theories or other musings? Do you think your company is the ultimate business casual crush-fest and should have made the list? Let us know in the comments.

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Hinge is a dating app that introduces you to your friends’ single friends. They launched February 7th exclusively in DC, and have almost 10,000 users so far. Hinge is available for iPhone and is coming for Android in early April. Check them out at http://hinge.co

The ThursDater: Profile Pic 101

Ah, Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg’s thieved brainchild. The portal to your entire friend database, as well as a sad collection of people from high school you’ve totally forgotten about, and older relatives who write their names after everything they post. It’s turned you into the ultimate oversharer, and forced you to use “like” as a noun.ZuckerbergBut one part of Facebook has always reigned supreme: the pics! Once upon a time, we only had one profile picture to define us among a sea of other co-eds. This was your characteristic shot. It could invite anything from simple wall post flattery, to a weird poke from a stranger. And if you were lucky, sometimes even a private message from your crush, with a request for a future hangout (something really romantic, like “we should chill sometime.”)

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 Even in the current age of timeline cover photos and Instagram madness, the main profile picture still counts. It’s the photo you have personally chosen to represent yourself, and basically carries your entire essence in one sweet snap. NBD.

But even more importantly, it happens to be the picture that your potential matches will see first when they are rating you on Hinge! So, because we want you matched with the best of the best in friends of friends, we compiled a list of must-avoid profile pictures. Image

Amateur modeling shots. Surely the scout from JCPenney poring over random Facebook pictures will be impressed. Friends of friends, on the other hand, think you’re trying too hard. And are you… possibly in someone’s guest bedroom? Yikes.

The fake gangster pose. Real thugs don’t pose for pictures with upside-down peace signs and a pouty face. They’re busy ghostin’ muthaf*ckas. You might be next on their list, actually. And you certainly won’t be on anyone’s Favorites list.

Being completely wasted. We get it. You were #1 chugging champion in college. Congrats. But it’s doubtful your potential matches are searching for a special someone who will black out and climb on top of the bar pouring Bud heavy all over their shirt, screaming “I’m the King of Beers!” on the first date. But hey, never say never?

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The mirror pic. Do you not have any other pictures of yourself? Do you not have any friends who could take one of you? Why do you want everyone to associate you with toilets? The questions are endless, and it’s likely the people rating you don’t want answers to any of them.

Full bridal parties. So, uh, there sure are a lot of people in this picture… is that you, in the strapless bridesmaid dress? Or are you in the bridal gown? Or perhaps the catering uniform, holding a platter of mini crab cakes? It’s pretty hard to tell. But then again, crab cakes are deeply loved in this region, so maybe you’ll get a few high ratings based purely on the featured hors d’oeuvres.

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The selfie in the driver seat of a car. What exactly are you trying to convey here? Besides that you’re bored, conceited and a tremendously irresponsible driver. Someone is definitely honking at you at a red light/ramming into your car as we write this. Forget asking mutual friends for this one– your auto insurance rates alone are presumably terrifying, and no one wants you bringing that evil on them.

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Children that aren’t yours. While YOU know you’re the most awesomely cool aunt/uncle in all the land, your friends’ friends don’t know you yet, and probably just assume you have a whole litter of children already. #baggage

Your outrageous gun collection. We know that anyone with the need to aggressively showcase such a robust artillery must be the poster child for emotional stability, right? And how exactly do you know Jamie…? Actually, we’re gonna stop talking. You can probably see the fear in our eyes from wherever you’re hobby sniping.

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So, there’s your photo education, Hingers. You’re welcome for the tips. Now try and choose a weapon-free, somewhat recent picture of yourself where we can actually see your face, and go get those Hinge matches! Your inbox should be filling up with potential dates in no time.

The ThursDater: Check Yo’self: Valentine’s Day Edition

NOTE: This week’s ThursDater was crafted by the lovely Svetlana from Brightest Young Things.

Good Valentine’s Day morning everyone! As the pressure builds and the dread of something like this becoming your future  takes over your heart/mind/soul/loins…

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We figured we’d give you a quick check-list to ensure you’re doing the best you can to not eff up your chances tonight, in a simple head-to-shoulder-to-knees-to-toes order:

  • HAIR: your hair, it should be clean (this seems like a no brainer, but… you’d be surprised) and your product usage should be restrained and guided by the age old adage: “think of all the things you WANT TO PUT INTO YOUR HAIR, and then take one away”
  • THAT STUFF INSIDE YOUR HEAD: maintaining a certain level of sanity prior to a (first) date helps. Some basic internet research is ok BUT don’t go overboard with internet research. You don’t need to see what position they played on their college lacrosse team or how they’re an avid tumblrer of Michael Fassbender gifs until they disclose this information themselves.
  • YOUR MOUTH: Buy gum/mints (and if someone offers them to you-TAKE THEM)
  • YOUR TONGUE: Compliments go a long way
  • YOUR BODY: Wear something comfortable but form fitting (if you don’t own anything on the intersection of the two, and yes, I am talking to guys too, then you need to obtain that item of clothing/ whole outfit STAT)
  • YOUR SHOULDERS: Don’t slouch
  • YOUR BELLY: Eat something light but substantial beforehand if you’re going out for drinks
  • YOUR (TYPING) FINGERS: PUT THE GODDAMN PHONE AWAY
  • YOUR WALLET: it doesn’t matter that it is 2013 and we are all liberated and equal, whoever did the asking should offer to pay first, and should be ok if it ends up being that they are, in fact, footing this bill. You asked for the pleasure of this other person’s company, they, in return, trusted you enough and cleared their schedule, ironed their clothes, and you are (mentally) gearing up for a future of thoughtful holiday gifts and being able to let yourself go finally, if just a little – you should be ok with paying for some small plates and their reasonably priced glass of Sancerre at even the prospect of ALL OF THAT.
  • YOUR TOES: clip them toenails, k? Remember that episode of “New Girl” where the roommates call Schmid’s toenails “clickety-clacks”? You don’t want that to be your dating legacy, especially if those socks are coming off. And lets face it, you’re hoping those socks are coming off.

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…and then, here are a few solid anytime going out suggestions no matter what your date scenario for tonight night may be:FOR THE NON-DATE DATERS (aka “where to go with people you are purposefully avoiding using the word DATE with, for now”)

  • FREE SHOW AT MILLENIUM STAGE – Every day at 6pm Kennedy Center hosts a free show. They also serve drinks in the lobby during it. Which is great because it fits into the happy hour hang situation but with an added activity (which costs nothing and tends to be interesting enough 99% of time to distract you from the potential non-interestingness of your datehang companion). You can also show up pretty much at any point even during the show and everything will be ok, in terms of getting seats etc. Added bonus here is that if you are dealing with a person who is maybe averse to the non-committal date hang concept, the grandness of the Kennedy Center makes them feel like they are on a date date. Not that we are propagating dishonesty in intentions here or anything. FULL COMMITMENT HANG VARIATION OF THIS: A sold out show @ 930 club OR seeing a proper play at the Kennedy Center (ballet wins for extra points always, with the ladies)
  • BAD PROM @ Looking Glass Lounge and Chad America’s Annual Rock’N’Roll Dance Party @ Black Cat. Really any free dance night will do, as long as it is ACTUALLY FUN. We personally think these are the most fun of all, so we’re putting them on here as examples. A REALLY FUN free dance night should include: music everyone can dance to, a bar with decent drink specials (whether it is champagne cocktails or whiskey+PBR combos, we don’t care), a nice descent into insanity over the course of the evening and enough people you know (even a little) to deflect from the date aspect of the datehang. FULL COMMITMENT HANG VARIATION OF THIS: Giving them your dance card, with nothing but their name on it. Adding a dinner beforehand (both for time spent together AND delaying the extreme drunkenness effects ahead).Image
FOR BLIND DATERS(aka “where to go with people you have never met in person but have temporary semi-high hopes for”)

  • PHARMACY BAR – buck hunter, a jukebox, strong drinks, and a perfect opener to disclose any and all substance/medication abuse topics you may have (or they may have) early in the game. Nothing not to like.
  • EIGHTEENTH STREET LOUNGE – Back in the day when I worked a real job and went to happy hours, I remember being at ESL with some coworkers and running into a friend, on a blind date. I was all like: “What’s up? Didn’t expect to see you here” and he was all like: “Yeah, this is my go to internet date spot” and I was like “Really?” and he shrugged and said: “Yeah, plenty of room, girls think it’s pretty nice, and you never run into people you know early on. Well, ALMOST never”. And he had a point.

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FOR FIRST DATERS (aka “where to go with people you HAVE met in person before, after you two mutually decided that some one-on-one time to explore your potential future of nudity and Sunday afternoon marathons of Law & Order SVU is in order”)

  • 1905 – 1905 is one of those places that were built for dating. Intimate but not too intimate (read: cramped), flattering lighting, busy but not overcrowded, strong cocktails, reasonable prices, with an air of relaxed specialness to it. This place is like a friend you wish you could bring along, that’s how much they’ve got your back in the first date arena.
  • Wisdom – as far as craft cocktail bars go-this is our pick. Less busy than the Gibson, less intense than Columbia Room, but with drinks just as delicious and special and those tiny nooks that you can pull the curtains over when you are ready for things to get a little more intimate (and a few Wisdom cocktails in, they will get more intimate)

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FOR SPECIAL OCCASION/ “SEAL THE DEAL” DATERS (aka “where to go made it through the wilderness of of early “dating” and are just about ready to make it really count”)

  • Bombay Club – Spicy Indian? We know that spicy does not spell romance in most of your dictionaries but everything else about Bombay Club does. You walk in-and you are transported to another time (1920s) and another place (some British West Indies private club). There is a piano, there are white tablecloths and cozy booths, and the service is the kind of operation that you don’t really see that often in 2013.
  • Suna – the new kid on the tasting menu block, Johnny Spero’s Capitol Hill restaurant offers creative, nature inspired dishes and is available in 4- or 8-course tasting menu for 48 and 78 dollars respectively.
  • Tabard Inn – who doesn’t want to pretend they’re in an enchanted castle on their seal the deal date? BONUS: in the summer, sit outside in the garden, under that giant parachute they use as a screen.
  • Cork – Cork is one of my favorite places in DC mainly because it balances the special and the casual so well. The lighting is amazing, the front room is a bustling mix of girl dates, bro dates and casual dates, but in the back things get quieter and a little darker and the tables are pretty perfectly sized for ease of reaching over them and touching hands, ALL THE TIME.

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GODSPEED my darling Valentine’s Day warriors!

The ThursDater: Countdown to Launch

It’s almost game time, friend. Hinge launches one short week from today. You want to feel, think and act like the smoldering essence of desirability that you truly are, especially when all those friends of friends show up in droves on Hinge. They’ll be waiting for rating, and you’ll be primed and ready like a boss.

ImageFirst, get that iPhone ready. You don’t want anything standing between you and that perfect friend of a friend, so charge it up and clear some memory by deleting all the crappy apps you never use. And we know you have a bunch of old Snapchats straight chilling in your inbox and taking up space. May we remind you: you’ll never see them again. Ever. For the rest of your life. Why are you hoarding them like some forbidden treasure? It’s time to let go.

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Do some drills to get your reflexes and rating ability sharp: a rousing round of slapsies, aggressive people-watching on the metro… whatever it takes to get your game at its full potential. If you want to give the most surefire ratings this town’s ever seen, this training is exactly what you need: machine-like hand maneuverability and the strong, perceptive judgement of the world’s most magnificent beast– a Labradoodle shaved to look like a lion.

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A little anxious about who your potentials might be? Understandable. Maybe you’ve already encountered Tinder and their swarms of 17-year-old fans, laden with high school lax jerseys, uncomfortable pubescent sexuality, braces, selfies, and all the other nightmarish teenage crap you go to great lengths to avoid in your daily life. Well guess what? Never again. Hinge is about to give you the greatest gift of all: an age parameter filter. We didn’t peak in high school, and neither did you. Roll with us and meet some hunks and babes your own age.

You’re feeling revved and ready to go, as visions of awesome matches dance through your head. Now that your phone, reflexes and confidence are tuned and sharp, it’s time to get your team in order. Rally your friends to help you ensure even more great matches by having them sign up now at Hinge.co. The more of your friends play Hinge, the more potentials you’ll all have. Think of it as a brethren of better dates; a community of cute friends of friends. So huddle up, and prepare to win your love life back– the time is nigh.

Let’s do this. Ready? Break!

The ThursDater: Resolution Reality

A wise man once said, “New Year’s resolutions are like pancakes. You attempt a huge stack of them, but after a few bites, completely lose interest and abandon the rest.” Actually we just made it up, but it’s pretty true and sweet. And also now we’re craving pancakes. Anyway, here’s a realistic look at the timeline for your 2013 New Year’s resolutions.

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Day one of eating healthy and exercising, finally quitting cigs for good, and never again having to apologize for tearing up your neighbor’s garden after Margarita Night because you were “looking for treasure.” Speaking of overdoing it, what’s that you say? Your crippling hangover called for a sprawling brunch, Bloody Marys and wearing sunglasses indoors the entire day? Fine, start the resolutions tomorrow.

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You haven’t had any alcohol for one whole week. Impressive! You’ve decided after 7 days of behaving yourself, good life choices are ‘your thing’ now. Every morning you’ve been giving a dollar to that homeless guy outside your office and just straight-up beaming with pride about it. $15 quinoa salads from some ridiculous new vegan chain for lunch, with daily cardio, weights, AND Yoga Thursdays? You’re basically a health god of charitable goodness. May your children’s children tell tales of your meatless sacrifice and limitless generosity for years to come.

ImageWhoops. After a tiny bit of peer pressure from your coworkers, you caved and went to happy hour in lieu of yoga last night. Your previously untainted brain is really feeling those $3 rail specials, isn’t it? And your pricey salads have been taking their daily toll on your bank account, so you haven’t been feeling quite as giving as usual. Today, you hang your head a little as that hobo’s daily gratuity goes to the Dollar Menu for an Egg McMuffin.

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Come onnnn, it’s Friday. The gym can wait. You’ve had a long week, a frosty beer is calling your name, and all your friends are going out. You’ll still eat carrot sticks and celery… they come with the wings you ordered to accompany your pizza.

ImageHangover. Last night’s casual beers got aggressive and your tolerance has totally slipped.

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More hangover.

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We’ll just stop right there, because it tends to continue like this until May, when you’ll renew your diet and exercise goals to prepare for swimsuit season. Your favorite elliptical machine– the one positioned perfectly to watch captioned Seinfeld re-runs– already has a new master. And we all knew the quinoa thing just wouldn’t cut it for long, so let’s be real — Chipotle tastes ridiculously better. Let it happen. At least you’re cutting carbs by getting a burrito bowl, right?

Quit worrying about how quickly you’re going to abandon the “new you.” It’s going to be OK. You’ll get to the gym when you can, but your social life matters too. You deserve to blow off some steam when you feel like it — YOLO and whatever other stupid abbrevs today’s tweens are using. According to our pancakes proverb, even if you abandon the rest of your resolutions, you can still get at least one good one under your belt. And lucky for you, we have a simple and totally awesome way to do that.

This year, the resolution you’ll be able to keep is meeting more awesome people through your friends. A brand-new, totally redesigned mobile Hinge launches February 7th! You’ll be able to browse and rate friends of your friends right from your iPhone, and if there’s mutual interest, we’ll introduce you. Bam. Just like that, the most fulfilling resolution of 2013 is yours. Find someone great, all through your pals.

As if that isn’t enough, we’re also throwing an epic party to celebrate the launch. And guess what? You and all your friends (and their other friends) are invited! Visit Hinge.co to sign up, and we’ll send you an invite to share with whomever you please. You’ll get to see a live performance by Viceroy, drink top-notch craft beer and cocktails, and get a new lease on your dating life. So don’t feel too bad about not following through with the less important stuff. Keep your eyes on the prize and make 2013 your year for love, with Hinge.

The ThursDater: Holiday Gift Guide

Well, we’re in the final stretch for holiday shopping. Assuming you’ve already taken care of the fruitcakes and snowglobes for your family and friends, it’s time to focus on the gifts that make a difference. We know you want to catch the attention of your friend’s cute friend, or maybe even DTR with someone you’ve been casually seeing. Start by asking your mutual friends what they might like. Or what they’d hate. Or what their ex got them last year so you can completely one-up that loser and show them how awesomely intuitive you are to their every interest and desire.

For extra assistance, Hinge has organized a guide to common gift ideas. We’ve found that certain items can say much more than you anticipated, so educate yourself and thank us later.

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Jewelry. When girls receive jewelry too soon, it either totally freaks them out or sets up some kind of creepy (and wallet-clearing) sugar daddy thing. When guys receive jewelry ever, it says the girl who gave it to them thinks Criss Angel and Bret Michaels are stylish gents worth emulating. So if you accept her gift of bling, know that she might have a life-long dream of prowling the Vegas strip in an Ed Hardy bus, looking for white trash tourists who will shell out cash for photos with D-list celebrities. No comment if that’s your thing.

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Food. Finding out their dream dinner from a friend and cooking it for them? Triple score holiday jackpot. Surprising them at home with baked goods or a nice fruit basket? Generic, but it’ll do. Banging on their front window, blackout drunk with a bag of Cheetos, a single banana, and a now half-empty jug of Carlo Rossi at 3am? Hey, it didn’t work for us last year, but never say never. Holiday spirit can go a long way.

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Clothes. Clothes can say a number of things. One of them is “Oh, you’re a Medium? I thought you were an XL and now I have knit proof of it.” Another one is “I am already trying to dress you, because I’m a stage 5 clinger and want to own your life forever.” Either way, do some size and style research through your mutual friends beforehand. And if you can’t do that, everyone is in the market for a flowing, unisex cape, right?

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A puppy/kitten. “Here’s a baby substitute that you didn’t seek out for yourself and are now forced to take care of in your 1-bedroom apartment.” Absolutely not. No, no, a thousand times no.

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iPhone 5. Actually, this is something we’d like. Just thought we’d just slip it in here as a suggestion. Come on, you’ll already be shopping…

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So, since you got us that new iPhone, we can’t wait to use it to showcase our awesome gift to YOU: a brand-new Hinge mobile app!

The new Hinge will be an entirely new experience, with a more functional interface and a gorgeous redesign. You’ll be able to rate your friends-of-friends right from your mobile device, and if there is mutual interest we’ll introduce you. The new version of Hinge won’t be released until early February, but we are major believers that something great is worth waiting for. Plus, it’ll be just in time to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your future boyfriend/girlfriend! (See how effective our gift advice is?)

Sign up for the new Hinge and get a sneak peek at the redesign at Hinge.co. We’ll contact you as soon as the new Hinge is live in the app store!

We’re thrilled to give you a fabulous new Hinge, and we’d wager to say your new-found knowledge of gifting would impress even the three wise men. Although, just as an FYI, don’t take gift ideas from the Magi either… unless you want your date to smell like they just got back from Bonnaroo. Save the gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh for your Phish friend, because after following them on tour all summer and fall, he or she will probably be flat broke and in desperate need of something to disguise that unshowered musk.

In closing, may the retail gods provide you with the perfect holiday gift ideas, and ultimately, a real spark with that special someone. Happy Holidays!

ThursDater: Fun for the Holidaze

It’s almost December, and holiday party invites are piling up like DUIs in the Lohan household. Time to attack this stack, because you’re going to hit as many of these suckers as possible. Some of them, like your friend’s ugly sweater party, will be filled with joyful merriment and hot, new love interests. Others, like your mandatory holiday work party, are obligatory nightmares. Unfortunately this year, these two fall on the same night.

As a genius of seasonal socials, you are not worried. Your friend’s party will be the perfect excuse to leave the work function early for “family stuff,” and it’ll simultaneously limit your time trapped with Coffee-breath McGee and the weird accounts guy with the chinstrap beard.

When you get there, you sling a few vodka sodas to pass the time during the painful white elephant gift exchange. Once everyone is playing with their crappy gift, you recognize your chance to slip out, unnoticed. Your boss is busy guzzling Glenlivet; everyone else is in a state of horror/delight because one of the temps has a nip slip while she screams the lyrics to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” into her beer-bottle microphone. It’s time to get out of here and get your game on…and by game, we mean a shirt covered in snowmen made of pom-poms.

You dart out of there like the Ghost of Christmas Past with your white elephant gift in tow: a blow-up doll with a $10 Starbucks gift card taped to her chest. Good one, Jerry. You’re still the creepiest guy in the office. As soon as you leave the bar–a.k.a. the turbo club where the HR girl’s boyfriend sometimes DJs/plays his iPod–a cab appears and whisks you away to a tacky holiday wonderland.

ImageYou arrive at your friends’ house and enter a scene that looks like a seasonal craft show hosted by drunk, midwestern moms: jingle-bell earrings, reindeer-antler headbands, menorah tiaras, and necklaces made out of fake Christmas lights– all decorating a sea of joyful, familiar faces tucked into Goodwill turtlenecks and holiday Cosby sweaters. Welcome home.

Spirits are bright. You sip mulled wine and boozy cider. You make a toast in a jolly elf voice every time you open a bottle of celebratory champers…and there are many. One of your amateur friends is sticking to the extra-thick spiked nog. As an experienced veteran of the December Bender, you know that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Say no to nog. His creamy mustache and spastic dance moves are entertaining now, but we all know he’ll be puking in the fireplace later.

You wander away from the nog-aholics and spot a gorgeous guest standing alone near some expertly-placed mistletoe. It’s a holiday miracle. You lean over and ask your friend for an introduction, and she happily obliges–after all, what are friends for? Thankfully you’ve concocted the perfect recipe for holiday seduction: comparing and contrasting your hideous attire while recalling many excellent quotes from both Elf and Home Alone. You’ve obviously sealed the deal. Success. Mazel Tov. Hallelujah.

The party winds down, and you hail a cab with your ugly sweater lover. You are trapped in a snow globe of emotion: Pride that you expertly navigated both soirees. Gratitude that your friend helped you meet someone great. And most of all, relief that you didn’t get so drunk on hard cider that you ripped the garland off the doorframe, wrapped it around yourself, seized the Christmas tree and started dancing with it–claiming you were its “evergreen lover”–and then passed out in the driveway where you traumatized a group of young carolers. No need to repeat December ‘07.ImageNo matter how many parties you crash, the holidays can be awfully chilly without a special someone to keep you warm. Don’t die of lonely-person frostbite: play Hinge and give yourself the beautiful gift of friend-of-friend romance. In the spirit of meeting that perfect holiday companion–and because we just love parties–Hinge would like to cordially invite you to our own fabulous holiday bash!

Join us for the first annual Glover Park Crush Party at Town Hall on Thursday, December 6th. RSVP and play Hinge over the next few days, and we’ll secretly invite anyone you save. You’ll mingle while sipping free bubbly from 7-9, and once you’ve had enough to grow some jingle balls, throw some of our other holiday drink specials on your crush’s tab: $3 beer, $4 wine and $5 cocktails all night long.

 Anyway, let’s rage… it’s gonna be magical.

ThursDater: Wednesday T-Givs Edition

Thanksgiving is a time for coming together. More specifically, it’s the weekend when you are most likely to run into every single person you ever knew in high school, and potentially hook up with one of them. Or, a few of them. Or, all of them at once– hey, do what you do, we’ll never judge you. But, since no one wants to end up surprised by their walk-of-shame on Thanksgiving morning, we’ve got you covered with a quick guide to the Wednesday night mob-scene at your hometown’s chosen watering hole.

FACTS:

  • You will be asked “What are you up to these days?” at least 157,246 times between 10pm and 1am. Have something good prepared. No one but your mom actually wants to hear about your new accounting job. Instead, say you’re really into uni-cycling. You led Occupy Sesame Street. Whatevs.
  • 1 in 5 of you will take a shot with a teacher. Make sure it’s something disgusting, like Sambuca, so you remember to regret it.
  • At least one of your friends will stay home. Because their new fiancé is tired. Or just because they got boring. Or bald. Or old. Leave the stragglers– this is your night to shine.
  • Someone will puke because they “haven’t raged this hard since college!” Do not be this person. Car bombs taste like milkshakes, but they’re not your friend. They’re named after a violent explosive device. Think about it.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:

  • 97% of people hook up with a high school classmate. This can end up as a great story if you play your cards right. To make sure you wake up satisfied and not in the emergency room, we’ve drafted some notes on the proper hookup protocol for the 5 types you’re likely to run into tonight.

THE KEY PLAYERS 
(in descending order of preference. Unless you’re going for extreme craycray, in which case go to the bottom and read upwards)

Somehow still your ultimate fantasy. You used to stutter like the waterboy whenever they asked you a question in Bio, and start uncontrollably sweating when they walked by you in the hallway. But you’re older and more experienced now, and you know to aim high. Go for them first while you’re feeling fresh and powerful. We can already hear the entire bar chanting your name and cheering as you both float off into the night, making out in a golden chariot led by giant swans.

…If not, at least you’ve left plenty of time for back-up options. Read on.


Skinny Steve and Patty Pizza-face have transformed in the years since puberty had its cruel way with them, and they’re looking pretty hot. Some of your ex-classmates might try and challenge you here, but you’re a custom Maserati, and they’re just a fleet of base model Kia Souls. Plus, no matter how much of a smokeshow they’ve become, they’ll always have an inferiority complex. So remember, you “always had a thing for them.” It works every time.

Long-overdue hate sex with someone who once broke your heart is the ultimate cure for an awkward Wednesday night. In fact, ancient Sumerian medicine men used to prescribe such acts for almost every affliction. In any case, if you decide to go for this one, approach the situation carefully, and remember: You are a sensual powerhouse of desire with no human emotion. There’s no crying in hate sex. We repeat: there is no crying in hate sex. And do NOT get breakfast the next morning. It’s preferable to leave in the middle of the night… out the window if necessary.

He rolls up to the bar in his parents’ Camry wearing stained Abercrombie sweatpants, blasting the football pump-up mix from sophomore year. Her “Live, Laugh, Love” tramp stamp she got at Beach Week is peeking out of her jeans, and she’s aggressively trying to grind with ev-er-y-one. But hey– now’s your chance to get some for your high school self, and here they are, ready to go home with the first thing that recognizes them. Desperate? Maybe. But there’s no shame in some good old-fashioned redemption.

If you have one of these, sucks to be you. We don’t need to remind you to avoid this person at all costs, so stay alert.  You hardly knew them in high school, but they’ve liked and commented on everything you’ve posted on Facebook, basically ever. You’ll probably only hook up with them if you’re plastered, so take that 9th round of shots at your own risk. Even if you don’t see them most of the night, know they’re def lurking nearby, counting your drinks, and waiting to unleash full-on creeper mode once you get drunk enough.

* * *

So, there’s your guide, valiant Wednesday Warriors of Hinge. Use it and be crowned the Grand Lovemaster of Thanksgiving. The bards will sing of your triumph and a personal scribe shall engrave your name into the sidewalk outside the bar, where future generations will admire it and share your legend each year following. And even if you don’t encounter any of the above scenarios and happen to end your night alone, tomorrow you can always play Hinge and drown your loneliness in your mom’s pumpkin pie, while you nurse your crucial hangover.

Happy T-givs, y’all!